So, if you have read my previous post then you are well aware of my stand as a Christian. However, there is something that has really been bothering me and I just want to get it off my chest and put it out there.

          Do you ever just find yourself lost? I do! I feel like it is a constant battle with where I want to be with God and where I am in the world. In today’s society I find that if you have an opinion, you’re wrong. If you have a Christian opinion, you are a horrible person! Well guess what? I am that horrible human being today! Through the eyes of the world anyway! People seem to forget who made them. I find these days that when the Bible doesn’t suit people’s opinions, they change it! They re-word it or find a verse that they can make sound good when concerning their situation. Well folks, guess what…… You don’t get that honor or privilege! How dare you think you can rewrite God’s word! (Yes, I am aware that man wrote it, but trust me, I’ll take my chances knowing that they weren’t foolish enough to lie about it.) Let me tell you something, if your lifestyle doesn’t match the Bible, you need to spend that time working on yourself, not trying to change the Bible or God!

          You can fight Christians on every view you’d like to, but at the end of the day, if it doesn’t match God’s view, you still lose! One thing you aren’t going to do, is change the mind of God! I’d be foolish to even wish you luck there.

          I see Christians folding to sin everyday by using the “love” verses from the Bible. Yes, we are to love everyone! We are to show compassion to everyone! That does not mean that we can start accepting everyone’s sin as, good or ok. It simply doesn’t work that way!

          You’ve heard that saying, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” We’ve all heard it. Well it applies here. We have Christians fighting for others all in the name of love. Even when they know that it is wrong in the eyes of God. We have folks fighting for gays to marry and be accepted. They fight that they will have their way and rights over any religious organization or opinion of. We now have folks fighting for gender neutral restrooms in public facilities.  We have folks that commit adultery daily. We have friends that push for affairs or divorce because they don’t think the other person is “good enough”. They think that their friend deserves someone “better”. Even if their friend is married. Or flop to the other side and you have a woman that thinks she is entitled to Mr. Brown, when clearly Mrs. Brown would object to that, as would God! Just because there is a weakness in the marriage, doesn’t give you a right to intrude or walk out! Then say there is another situation, when a man’s daughter is raped and he kills the rapist, people actually cheer for him.

          Meanwhile I am over here screaming and trying not to pull all of my hair out!!

          Yes, you can love sinful people!! I sin, I have friends that sin and some of them I think the world of!! It is our job to love, but what a Christian can’t do is fight for that type of lifestyle or behavior to be made “right” or “accepted”! Why? It’s simple, because, GOD, said it is not! If you as a “Christian” love someone (and we should) that much that you want to fight for them, then fight a worthy battle. Tell them what the Bible says, hit your knees and pray for them. Don’t fight with them if it means going against God! You and them can both go down swinging, but you’ll still be going down. The Bible is very clear on who wins the battle against sin. If I were you, I’d choose more wisely. Real love would want to help that friend out of the pit they are in. You never have to turn your back on them and you never have to go against them. That is not what love or Christianity are about. Be with them, stand by them and help them find their peace with God! That is love too! It may not look the way the world wants it to look, but friends, it is the love of God! Help that gay man/woman up. Help the friend that’s having an affair. Help the friend living in adultery. Help the man who was crushed by his daughter’s wounds. Help the addict who just can’t quit! Help the thief that wasn’t taught better in his/her upbringing! Tell them that God loves them, be there for them. They may not be ready to accept it, if they don’t at least you know you tried! Pray, never stop praying for them! Sometimes, you may find that you are the only one storming heavens gates for them!

          Now, to those of you cheering them on??? Have you lost your minds? Have you forgotten the Bible and the 10 commandments? That God has commanded us to love EVERYONE. There is nothing in there that says, you get a free pass if someone has hurt you or your family. You aren’t going to find that or anything like it in there! It’s not our jobs as Christians to judge or punish others! Do not try taking God’s works into your own hands! No matter what, don’t do it!!

          I realize as humans we can and do get hurt. I am a female who wears every emotion and feeling I have on my shoulders. But, at the end of the day my love for, God and more importantly, His love for me sees me through.

           I am so tired of seeing Christians torn down. I am tired of watching so called Christians fight against the very thing that God says no to! And I am so utterly tired of seeing people, any of them, fighting and all the hate from both sides!!!

          These days everything is either race baited (completely different topic), political, he said she said or its pushing the LGBT movement upon everyone. It’s sad, it really is. Do only select few get opinions these days?

          At the end of the day, I as a Christian have to stand firm. I will fight for Christ and the Bible until the bitter end and trust me, there will be a much more bitter end to all of this! I have two (as of now) children that I have to get to Heaven, along with myself! I do not have time to be politically or worldly correct. I know without a doubt there are many that will oppose everything that I have said, I’m ok with that. The Bible tells us that we have option 1.) We have Jesus and what the Bible tells us or 2.) We have the ways of this world and the lies that Satan puts before us. Believe me when I say this, he has a way of making those lies look so good! I mean a dream come true, nothing could be better appearance. Problem is, it’s a trick and it is certainly not eternal.

          You see, God gives us free will in choosing a path for our life. He gives us free will in choosing our eternity, its then that the choices you made throughout your life will play a role. We have 2 options when it comes to eternity as well. We can choose to live out eternity in the glorious beauty of Heaven with the creator of all things, or we can choose the burning pits of Hell. Your actions and your relationship with God will determine your outcome. I realize that some folks don’t believe either way, but I do. So I’ll be taking my chances.

          I also know that because some Christians oppose others views so harshly, hatefully and in such an unloving manner, that those non-believers would rather jump into a fire pit than feel like they were on a Christian team like that. Good job, Christian’s or so called Christians, you may have just push that one off the cliff! Don’t let Satan use you like that. Think or pray before you speak, ask God to guard your words each day! Love is what we need to be sharing!

          Being a Christian isn’t a job one should take lightly. Loving one another should come easily. If it doesn’t, then you my friend still have some learning to do on what being a Christian really is. Never forget, John 13:34, I give you a new command. Love one another. You must love one another, just as I have loved you.

          It’s easy to get caught up in the world and feel you are fighting a noble cause, but in the end and I do mean, THE END. Where will your battle leave you standing? Will you be standing at the side of Jesus, were you’ll be living eternity in lush vibrant colors with a beauty to unreal to be described, where healing is forever and love is abundant? Or will you and the others you have been fighting for/with be on the side of eternal flames, were pain and agony never end, were you find the one who fooled you all with his smooth talking and lies?

          I’m not here to judge you and that is not how I am trying to make you feel at all. I’m not here to tell you what to do or what to believe and I certainly do NOT want you to think that I believe myself better than you, because I am not. As a matter of a fact, I have my own struggles and sin to fight. I have to ask God more times that I’d like to admit, for his forgiveness. Often for the same exact sins.  Believe it or not, I am here to tell you that I love you. I love you no matter what side you pick and no matter how you choose to love YOUR life. My heartbreaks to see others choose the ways of the world over, God, but I see it daily.

          I know people of all sorts, I could tell you at least one person for every sinful lifestyle that I mentioned earlier. I also know that a lot of them love Jesus, read their Bibles and pray. Many of them are stand up people. I know some personally that are some of the finest people that I have ever had the honor of knowing and meeting. I call them friends, but in the end please know, God’s word will stand! It always has, it always will.

          Let me ask you something, you know Noah, right? Everyone knows the story of Noah’s Ark. Do you think that Noah and his family were the only Christians worth saving? Do you think that they were the only ones that God loved? NO! Of course they weren’t, but God used this tragedy to prove a point and create a new beginning for the rest of us. He doesn’t care for the sinning or corruption; he has proven that. In the end he will still love you, even if you choose a different eternity than he had hoped for. Honestly, I am pretty sure that it is heartbreaking for him to watch.

          Today we still have time to make a choice or make a change. We have time to decide which way to go, which battles to fight and who we want to be fighting for. As for me, I’ll fight for Jesus. I will fight for the eternity of my children. They are mine to fight for!!! This world will corrupt them and snatch them from my grips if I allow it to. I WILL NOT!!!

          And for the unbelievers, if you have read this, you probably think that I am crazy. I am willing to take my chances, because right now, mine look better than yours. I would be thrilled to have you go with me though, there is still time.

          For those of you who oppose my views and always fight for the other side, my prayers are with you. In saying that though, I feel I owe some of you a thank you. Those of you who do fight in the name of love have taught me so much about loving. You have taught me not only to love differently, but view the world differently. It took some time because I still have to stand on my foundation which is God, but at the same time it taught me a better way to love as a Christian. I will never abandon God or his word, but I am thankful that he allowed me to see love in some of you. A love that was different then the love that I started with. It’s a non-judgmental love. It’s also one of the things that I am striving so hard at perfecting. To love more like Jesus, is my goal! I want to live my days without judging everyone for their story!

          My prayers are that you can find love and peace with God. We aren’t offer tomorrow and today could very well be the end. Once again, I ask you to choose wisely. You don’t have to be a completely different person going into the change. God created you, he knows exactly who you are as a person. He knows you better than you know yourself, so don’t be fooled into thinking that he doesn’t. Also, don’t let other people make that choice for you. Not everyone that claims to be a Christian actually is one. Go to God and God alone. Let your decision be based off of Jesus Christ not this world. After all, the Bible says in John 14:6 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

I can’t save you, your parents can’t save you, your grandparents can’t save you, your pastor can’t save you. We can help you, but ultimately the choice is there for you to make. God isn’t a pushy God, he gives that choice to you and you alone!

So, if you have read my previous post then you are well aware of my stand as a Christian. However, there is something that has really been bothering me and I just want to get it off my chest and put it out there.

          Do you ever just find yourself lost? I do! I feel like it is a constant battle with where I want to be with God and where I am in the world. In today’s society I find that if you have an opinion, you’re wrong. If you have a Christian opinion, you are a horrible person! Well guess what? I am that horrible human being today! Through the eyes of the world anyway! People seem to forget who made them. I find these days that when the Bible doesn’t suit people’s opinions, they change it! They re-word it or find a verse that they can make sound good when concerning their situation. Well folks, guess what…… You don’t get that honor or privilege! How dare you think you can rewrite God’s word! (Yes, I am aware that man wrote it, but trust me, I’ll take my chances knowing that they weren’t foolish enough to lie about it.) Let me tell you something, if your lifestyle doesn’t match the Bible, you need to spend that time working on yourself, not trying to change the Bible or God!

          You can fight Christians on every view you’d like to, but at the end of the day, if it doesn’t match God’s view, you still lose! One thing you aren’t going to do, is change the mind of God! I’d be foolish to even wish you luck there.

          I see Christians folding to sin everyday by using the “love” verses from the Bible. Yes, we are to love everyone! We are to show compassion to everyone! That does not mean that we can start accepting everyone’s sin as, good or ok. It simply doesn’t work that way!

          You’ve heard that saying, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” We’ve all heard it. Well it applies here. We have Christians fighting for others all in the name of love. Even when they know that it is wrong in the eyes of God. We have folks fighting for gays to marry and be accepted. They fight that they will have their way and rights over any religious organization or opinion of. We now have folks fighting for gender neutral restrooms in public facilities.  We have folks that commit adultery daily. We have friends that push for affairs or divorce because they don’t think the other person is “good enough”. They think that their friend deserves someone “better”. Even if their friend is married. Or flop to the other side and you have a woman that thinks she is entitled to Mr. Brown, when clearly Mrs. Brown would object to that, as would God! Just because there is a weakness in the marriage, doesn’t give you a right to intrude or walk out! Then say there is another situation, when a man’s daughter is raped and he kills the rapist, people actually cheer for him.

          Meanwhile I am over here screaming and trying not to pull all of my hair out!!

          Yes, you can love sinful people!! I sin, I have friends that sin and some of them I think the world of!! It is our job to love, but what a Christian can’t do is fight for that type of lifestyle or behavior to be made “right” or “accepted”! Why? It’s simple, because, GOD, said it is not! If you as a “Christian” love someone (and we should) that much that you want to fight for them, then fight a worthy battle. Tell them what the Bible says, hit your knees and pray for them. Don’t fight with them if it means going against God! You and them can both go down swinging, but you’ll still be going down. The Bible is very clear on who wins the battle against sin. If I were you, I’d choose more wisely. Real love would want to help that friend out of the pit they are in. You never have to turn your back on them and you never have to go against them. That is not what love or Christianity are about. Be with them, stand by them and help them find their peace with God! That is love too! It may not look the way the world wants it to look, but friends, it is the love of God! Help that gay man/woman up. Help the friend that’s having an affair. Help the friend living in adultery. Help the man who was crushed by his daughter’s wounds. Help the addict who just can’t quit! Help the thief that wasn’t taught better in his/her upbringing! Tell them that God loves them, be there for them. They may not be ready to accept it, if they don’t at least you know you tried! Pray, never stop praying for them! Sometimes, you may find that you are the only one storming heavens gates for them!

          Now, to those of you cheering them on??? Have you lost your minds? Have you forgotten the Bible and the 10 commandments? There is nothing in there that says, you get a free pass if someone has hurt you or your family. You aren’t going to find that or anything like it in there! It’s not our jobs as Christians to judge or punish others! Do not try taking God’s works into your own hands! No matter what, don’t do it!!

          I realize as humans we can and do get hurt. I am a female who wears every emotion and feeling I have on my shoulders. But, at the end of the day my love for, God and more importantly, His love for me sees me through.

           I am so tired of seeing Christians torn down. I am tired of watching so called Christians fight against the very thing that God says no to! And I am so utterly tired of seeing people, any of them, fighting and all the hate from both sides!!!

          These days everything is either race baited (completely different topic), political, he said she said or its pushing the LGBT movement upon everyone. It’s sad, it really is. Do only select few get opinions these days?

          At the end of the day, I as a Christian have to stand firm. I will fight for Christ and the Bible until the bitter end and trust me, there will be a much more bitter end to all of this! I have two (as of now) children that I have to get to Heaven, along with myself! I do not have time to be politically or worldly correct. I know without a doubt there are many that will oppose everything that I have said, I’m ok with that. The Bible tells us that we have option 1.) We have Jesus and what the Bible tells us or 2.) We have the ways of this world and the lies that Satan puts before us. Believe me when I say this, he has a way of making those lies look so good! I mean a dream come true, nothing could be better appearance. Problem is, it’s a trick and it is certainly not eternal.

          You see, God gives us free will in choosing a path for our life. He gives us free will in choosing our eternity, its then that the choices you made throughout your life will play a role. We have 2 options when it comes to eternity as well. We can choose to live out eternity in the glorious beauty of Heaven with the creator of all things, or we can choose the burning pits of Hell. Your actions and your relationship with God will determine your outcome. I realize that some folks don’t believe either way, but I do. So I’ll be taking my chances.

          I also know that because some Christians oppose others views so harshly, hatefully and in such an unloving manner, that those non-believers would rather jump into a fire pit than feel like they were on a Christian team like that. Good job, Christian’s or so called Christians, you may have just push that one off the cliff! Don’t let Satan use you like that. Think or pray before you speak, ask God to guard your words each day! Love is what we need to be sharing!

          Being a Christian isn’t a job one should take lightly. Loving one another should come easily. If it doesn’t, then you my friend still have some learning to do on what being a Christian really is. Never forget, John 13:34, I give you a new command. Love one another. You must love one another, just as I have loved you.

          It’s easy to get caught up in the world and feel you are fighting a noble cause, but in the end and I do mean, THE END. Where will your battle leave you standing? Will you be standing at the side of Jesus, were you’ll be living eternity in lush vibrant colors with a beauty to unreal to be described, where healing is forever and love is abundant? Or will you and the others you have been fighting for/with be on the side of eternal flames, were pain and agony never end, were you find the one who fooled you all with his smooth talking and lies?

          I’m not here to judge you and that is not how I am trying to make you feel at all. I’m not here to tell you what to do or what to believe and I certainly do NOT want you to think that I believe myself better than you, because I am not. As a matter of a fact, I have my own struggles and sin to fight. I have to ask God more times that I’d like to admit, for his forgiveness. Often for the same exact sins.  Believe it or not, I am here to tell you that I love you. I love you no matter what side you pick and no matter how you choose to love YOUR life. My heartbreaks to see others choose the ways of the world over, God, but I see it daily.

          I know people of all sorts, I could tell you at least one person for every sinful lifestyle that I mentioned earlier. I also know that a lot of them love Jesus, read their Bibles and pray. Many of them are stand up people. I know some personally that are some of the finest people that I have ever had the honor of knowing and meeting. I call them friends, but in the end please know, God’s word will stand! It always has, it always will.

          Let me ask you something, you know Noah, right? Everyone knows the story of Noah’s Ark. Do you think that Noah and his family were the only Christians worth saving? Do you think that they were the only ones that God loved? NO! Of course they weren’t, but God used this tragedy to prove a point and create a new beginning for the rest of us. He doesn’t care for the sinning or corruption; he has proven that. In the end he will still love you, even if you choose a different eternity than he had hoped for. Honestly, I am pretty sure that it is heartbreaking for him to watch.

          Today we still have time to make a choice or make a change. We have time to decide which way to go, which battles to fight and who we want to be fighting for. As for me, I’ll fight for Jesus. I will fight for the eternity of my children. They are mine to fight for!!! This world will corrupt them and snatch them from my grips if I allow it to. I WILL NOT!!!

          And for the unbelievers, if you have read this, you probably think that I am crazy. I am willing to take my chances, because right now, mine look better than yours. I would be thrilled to have you go with me though, there is still time.

          For those of you who oppose my views and always fight for the other side, my prayers are with you. In saying that though, I feel I owe some of you a thank you. Those of you who do fight in the name of love have taught me so much about loving. You have taught me not only to love differently, but view the world differently. It took some time because I still have to stand on my foundation which is God, but at the same time it taught me a better way to love as a Christian. I will never abandon God or his word, but I am thankful that he allowed me to see love in some of you. A love that was different then the love that I started with. It’s a non-judgmental love. It’s also one of the things that I am striving so hard at perfecting. To love more like Jesus, is my goal! I want to live my days without judging everyone for their story!

          My prayers are that you can find love and peace with God. We aren’t offer tomorrow and today could very well be the end. Once again, I ask you to choose wisely. You don’t have to be a completely different person going into the change. God created you, he knows exactly who you are as a person. He knows you better than you know yourself, so don’t be fooled into thinking that he doesn’t. Also, don’t let other people make that choice for you. Not everyone that claims to be a Christian actually is one. Go to God and God alone. Let your decision be based off of Jesus Christ not this world. After all, the Bible says in John 14:6 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

I can’t save you, your parents can’t save you, your grandparents can’t save you, your pastor can’t save you. We can help you, but ultimately the choice is there for you to make. God isn’t a pushy God, he gives that choice to you and you alone!

It has been a while since I have blogged. I'm not really one that has found my footing in the blogging and social media world yet. However, I want to share a story with you! Let me start out by saying, I am a strong believer in God and the Bible. God once took me on a journey that would change my life forever. It is that journey that has ultimately landed me where I am today!

  In 2006 after 4+ years of traveling with my husband’s job, we managed to get a job close to home. We were only going to be 2 hours away!! For a girl who had missed her Mama and family for the last 4 years, I was ecstatic!! This was a dream come true, or not. As we made the long haul from Nebraska to Louisiana we were on cloud 9 and nothing was going to stop us now! Ha!! We get to the state line (well a mile north of it, we live in a dry parish) and my husband turns in at the bar. I am shocked, but excited, because I know we will see friends. I have never been a drinker, I have always been the sober thinker and driver. So imagine my disappointment to our first stop! Did I mention that it was late and we had not only packed up everything we had with us, but also driven ALL day?

 Anyway, I try to not let this stop steal the joy of being HOME! Anyone that pipelines or travels for work surely understands. We walk in the door and the first face that meets us is my husband’s best friend, it was a welcomed surprise. The fact that he was there with my husband’s high school sweetheart was not! But, me being the person I am waved, said hello and allowed the night to continue. Why shouldn't I, Joel and I had been married for 4 years now. It isn't like we were in high school; we were living the adult life now. We continued our night and an hour or two later went on home. The next couple of days were strange to say the least. My husband was acting weird and very distant. We spent our time (separately) visiting our family and friends. Day 3 rolled around and it was time for us to head to Mississippi for the new job. I had packed us up and prepared us to leave. My husband didn't seem excited about this anymore. He even told me that I didn't have to go with him. Now I know that you all don't know my husband, but he does NOT travel without me, never has. I knew right then that something was wrong, I had that knot in the pit of your stomach, the heart that feels as heavy as a 1-ton truck. So, I begin to pray.

  2 or 3 days later my feelings were confirmed. My husband told me that he no longer wanted to be in our marriage. My heart sank. I was physically ill. It was already late at night and the drive back to Louisiana would be unsafe, he knew it and I knew it. He told me to stay the night and plan on leaving the next day. The next morning, through my tears I gathered my belongings and headed toward Louisiana. I had called my parents and my best friend to let them know to expect me. Being in the mental and emotional state I was in, I knew someone other than myself needed to be looking out for me. As I headed out of the town, I knew that I had left my heart in Kosciusko, MS. What was I going to do? I was 24 and now had two marriages under my belt (My first husband and high school sweetheart was killed 1 year into our marriage). Failure was upon me! I did the only thing I knew to do and that was pray and just like that, He answered! I was not even a mile from our motel when, God told me that, He was the one that had caused this separation and that, He would put it back together. I was floored! So much that I had to pull out over and get out of the truck. I think I was even hyperventilating! Two things took me by surprise, #1 Did God just speak to me??  Was that you, God? Am I that bad off? Maybe I really shouldn't be driving right now! #2 Did you just say that YOU are the reason for this??? Ok, this cannot be, God talking to me. God does not rip marriages apart! I left everything and everyone to marry, Joel and travel with him!

 Then the calming peace of God came to me. But, wait.... You also said, You would put it back together!?! I thought, should I turn around now? Joel must have changed his mind already!! He didn't call though, so I slowly made my way back to Louisiana. My parents, brothers and best friend were waiting for me. They all knew my heartbreak; it wasn't a secret. I am a lover, and a hard lover at that. When I love, I go all in!! As they helped me to pick up the pieces and my mom helped me to start setting up house in a new home, I realized that God's timing and mine were NOT the same!! Not even close! As the days turned into weeks I found myself stuck in the Bible, but what I also found was, GOD!! It was without a doubt God talking to me that day! He talked to me the entire time I went through this. He gave me answers to events that had not yet happened. It was comforting to know that God was carrying me through this. After realizing that God's timing and mine could be months or even years away, I decided to head back to the house Joel and I shared and gather some of my belongings. I had no desire to keep the house, nor did I want the stuff in it! I wanted out and I wanted a fresh start when God put these pieces back together.

 That day as I built up the courage to head back to, what had been our home, I prayed. What else was there for me to do? I was somber and still heartbroken. Yes, I knew that God would hold true to his words to me, but I had no idea how long that would take. My life was on hold and I had no idea what my husband, the one I loved would be doing during that time. As I entered our home I gave it a good look around. I had done my best to create a home. We had been married here and began our lives there. We had good times and bad, but they were memories that I cherished. I begin to go through some of my things when the phone rang and startled me. I thought, well this is my house and that is my phone. I answered, hello? Only to have a telemarketer on the other end. I quickly told her I wasn't interested and hung up, but then and there I stood before the dreaded caller id box. My human nature couldn't resist! I begin to flip through the caller id's and quickly wished that I wouldn't have! I am sure that you can all guess what I seen. Yep, the high school sweethearts name on there, call after call after call! After I managed to pull myself back to me feet, I dried my eyes, grabbed my keys and walked out. I felt defeated! Although I knew what the ending would be, I now worried about the length of time. Could I really withstand all of this? The what ifs began and they didn't want to stop! I cried and sobbed all the way back to my mother’s shop. When I pulled in she and my Nanny were heading out to make a delivery. I stopped them and crawled into the delivery van with them. They knew without a doubt that something had happened. They didn't press, just said that they were there if I needed them. The delivery would take an hour or so, so I spilled my guts to them. They both cried with me and held me. It was really all we could do. That night I found myself back in the Bible and begging for answers. I read numerous books on marriage. I walked and walked those days following. It was the best way to clear my head and hear from God. I needed that more than ever! My mother in law was a daily assurance for me, though she kept it real, she was my prayer warrior!! She didn't sugar coat things, but I knew that she meant well and that she was on my side. I kept my distance from the rest of Joel's family out of respect for him. I had decided from day one that I would not call him, he ask for this and I would give it to him. He called me often, almost daily. He would sometimes call to ask the same questions 3 or 4 times a week. His job in Mississippi didn't work out (another God movement), he was being sent to Odessa, TX. He called and ask about some items that we had in storage and I told him that I would gather them for him. We agree to meet one Sunday after church for him to retrieve the items. We met and things were still unsettling between us. I express my feelings to him, or more less my undying, almost psychotic love for him. I did try my best to compose myself and not over step any boundaries. I knew that God needed to work this out, not me!! I left there feeling confused, he called me almost daily, he was still supporting me finically and willing to do anything he could to help me. He had to love me, right? What was going on here? Was he really just this good of a guy? This made no sense. I left our storage building headed to my parents and he hit the interstate bound for Texas.

 Once again I cried all the way home, nothing was making sense to me. I decided that it was time to move into the house that my parents had agreed to let me have for the time being. Now, I am not really one to stay alone. That night proved, I still wasn't! At midnight I had someone on the front porch knocking my screen door around. I knew now, God was going to allow Joel and I to be together in Heaven because my time here on earth was about to come to an end!! I managed to get my phone and my gun, I eased myself out of the frozen position that I was in and called my mom. Luckily they only lived a mile away from the house. She woke my dad and he came right over. He found a possum and told me to pack it up for the night and come back to their house. I knew I had to stand at some point, on my own two feet, I assured him that I would be ok. I did have just cause to be scared earlier and he had seen the proof! Now, to settle my nerves and get some sleep. Well, rest I guess because, I am pretty sure I didn't go back to sleep. I didn't try staying there at night anymore either!! I would go there during the day and spend time with God and then head back to my parents at night.

Things were beginning to work out, I had grieved and was ready to start putting my life back together. I would wait on, Joel. I didn't know how long, but I did know that God was working. He assured me almost daily of his plans and that I was ok. I took a job at one of my mother flower shops and tried to put on my happy face on through the day. Joel still called to check in and the conversations were getting easier and not so desperate anymore.

 Then came the day that God needed something from me. I begin to feel God leading me to call, Joel. I thought, I can't do that! I had promised myself that I would NOT call him, He had ask for this and so he could do any calling that took place. I fought this for about 3 days! It wasn't until I was so physically ill that I caved to God's request. I literally had to call my friend to have her come and help me off of the floor. Yes, I was that sick. She was a nurse and she would be able to best help me, without alerting my family to illness that had overtaken me. Ann Marie took me back to her house. She fed me, I picked through and ate a few bites. We then headed out to the porch swing to talk. She knew what God had asked of me and she also knew my sheer determination not to do it! It wasn't because of God, it was because I wanted to prove to, Joel that I didn't have to depend on him! I knew calling would be a sign of weakness! For 3 days I had avoided him! He had the nerve to text me 3 days earlier and ask me if I was pregnant! I simply replied that I was not and even if I was, I would NOT be coming back for that reason!! I was flabbergasted! Did he really think that I would go back to a man who didn't want me if I was having a child?? He was CRAZY!! My heart began to harden after that, my desire to get on my own two feet and start life over was growing on me! Hence the reason God made me ill! Ha ha! No need in all that! He had a plan and I needed to stay the course and clearly the world was not the way!

 Anyway, Joel went as far as even calling my family to question them. I knew with the illness and his questioning that I would have to call to set things straight! My best friend and I walked from her porch to my car, we both got in my car so that I could make this dreaded phone call. I picked up my phone and from there it was a blur. To this day I, nor my friend could tell you anything that I said. I know that God was talking to Joel through me. I talked for about 45 minutes, about what, I have no clue! We hung up and I looked at my friend. I ask her, what did I just say? She looked at me just as confused and said, I have no idea! We agreed that we had both sat there and listened to the whole conversation, we were even involved in it, but neither of us knew what was actually said on either end of that phone.

 2 days later Joel called and ask me to come to Texas so we could talk and try to figure out what was next. I was excited and hesitant. He wanted to talk??  I was to drive for 12 hours so we could talk?? What if I got there and his talk was the same chatter that I had been hearing for the last 5 weeks? He loved me, but he didn't want to stay married. I knew that I couldn't drive 12 hours to risk the heartache of that again. Then I decided that he didn't trust me, he was having me come so that he could find out for sure that I was NOT pregnant. This upset me even worse! Why would I lie about that? He knew that I was waiting on him to come back, so wouldn't I use a pregnancy as my golden ticket?? This made less sense as I thought it through.  However, per my mother’s wishes, I packed my bags and I headed West. I knew that I had 12 hours to sort things out with God and that no matter what happened, He would be there with me, even if it was just to make a 12-hour trip, have a 5-minute talk and make the 12-hour trip back. I knew that it was something that I had to do.

 I made it to Texas that evening as they were getting ready to go have dinner. I went with him, his aunt, brother and friend. It was awkward for sure. I felt like the 3rd wheel without a doubt, a flat one at that! What in the world was I doing here?? The next couple of days were weird. We talked a little, but not like I thought we would. He went to work each morning and I spent my days with God. After several days human nature got the best of me. I waited on him to hop in the shower and I grabbed his phone. Sure enough I could see that he and the ex were still exchanging text and phone calls. My heart sank! I wanted to start packing right then! I knew I was there for a reason though. I had to pray and let God handle this.

 The next day I knew that I had to tell him, it was me or her. At this point I was packed and ready to walk or drive out of there. Either way I knew that I couldn't do this, it was too much! He agreed and called her with me sitting there to tell her that I was there and we were going to give it another go. Although it was odd and our marriage didn't feel safe and secure, I knew it was right.

 Our marriage was never the same after that. God used that heartbreak for my good! There is a verse in the Bible that fits my situation perfectly, Jeremiah 29:11," For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Boy, has he done just that!!! He took the worst time in my life and turned it into the best thing that has ever happen to me! Given the chance, I'd do it again! Well, kind of! God used that 5 weeks so that I could get to know him! He allowed me to see Him for who He is, a kind, gentle soul, one who nurtures, one who will carry us when we can't carry ourselves, He is one whose heart breaks with ours! After 4 years of marriage, God decided that we needed a fresh start, and I happen to agree with him! Joel and I were married young, we married only 5 months after the death of my first husband. Joel and I had become friends prior to my husband’s death and afterwards things felt natural with him. But the truth remained, we were young and God was not a priority to our marriage! I am here to tell you, when he came in to make a change, he did just that!! He is now the center of our marriage and our family.

 What Joel and I didn't know then was that it was imperative that we be centered around God, because he had big plans for us! The next 5 years Joel and I worked on our relationships with God and with each other. We had no idea what was ahead of us and how much we would actually need God and each other to get through it. In 2009 we had a tumultuous year to say the least. We lost 7 people close to us that year; his father, 2 aunts, 2 uncles and 2 good friends. We clung to God and one another to get through it! That same year on September 16th we began the adoption process. We had prayed for a child and seen numerous doctors, they never had answers and we never had a child to call our own. Through all the heartbreak of the year this seemed like a breath of fresh air. That November we would learn that we would be getting a baby girl! The excitement was uncontainable, I bought all things pink!! We purchased a home and that December we moved in and set up a house that would become out home! Or so we thought.... Shortly after we got moved in and our nursery set up I got a bad feeling. Our birthmother had called and ask to talk with me. We made plans for the following day. When I went to pick her up, I could tell from the get go that things had changed. She has become very hesitant about the adoption. She had a little boy and had decided that a little girl would be the perfect addition to her family. I didn't try to change her mind, I simply encouraged her to follow her heart, even if it came with the risk of breaking mine! I knew without a doubt that I wanted no regrets, not on my part or the birthmothers part. I knew if it was from God that it would be. We ended our day and I went home with the heartbreaking news to share with my husband and our family. As if we hadn't already been through enough that year. The next month was a blur, I closed the door on the nursery and decided it was best to move on. Joel and I agreed to see a fertility specialist and begin treatments to have our own child. Our appointment was a couple weeks out but I begin to get excited. It was easier to take things into our hands then place our hopes and dreams in that of another.

We had our first appointment and left there excited!! During our waiting period to receive our first AI (artificial Insemination) treatment, we got a call from the birthmother. She had gone into labor the night before and had just given birth. She ask if I could please come to the hospital, without hesitation I said, YES!! I packed some baby things and headed out the door! My head was telling me that she had decided to go through with the adoption, but my heart said, not so fast! As I rushed to the hospital I received another call, it was the birthmother. She was calling to tell me that there were some items that the baby would need. I assured her that I would stop by the store and pick it all up! I was so excited to meet this baby, I thought maybe my first child! As I entered the hospital room I found her sitting there alone with a beautiful baby girl, she immediately  handed her to me. She said that she wanted me to meet the baby. I stayed there for the remainder of the day holding the baby and even helping to fill out the baby’s paperwork for her. The hospital staff ask if there was anything she wanted on the paperwork, she replied, she wanted me listed as a guardian and that I would have some say concerning the child. I knew then, that she was still considering the adoption. I left that evening in love and hopeful, even though she never mentioned it. The next day I went back, per her request. I stayed a few hours, but knew that the day seemed much different from the day before. I held the baby for a while and then made my way out when her family arrived. I left there holding my head high, no matter what, God would see me through and we had our procedure that was scheduled in the coming days.

  The days passed and I didn't hear from the mother. I tried my best to focus on staying stress free because it would be the best for me going into our procedure. The day came and we headed to Shreveport to "get pregnant"! We were both excited as was our families! I knew without a doubt that this was it!! God had promised us a child(ren), so I went in knowing we would leave pregnant! We returned home afterwards, I would be on bedrest for a day or 2 and then taking things slowly for a couple weeks I would wait on our test results!!We waited our 2 weeks and then went for our pregnancy test. The weekend ahead was Easter weekend and it would be the best one yet! We would get our news just in time to announce our pregnancy to the family!! Little did I know that our world would be shattered with a negative test result! We were heartbroken! I had to make myself get up go to Easter with our family, only to have my heart crushed by the pregnancy announcement of another family member. I was holding my 7-month old niece when the announcement came and I couldn't pass her off quick enough. I had to go, I had to get out, I had to breathe, I was breaking, a meltdown was just around the corner. I didn't want my husband’s family to see me falling apart, no one and I mean NO ONE could possibly understand my pain! I was supposed to be announcing MY pregnancy that day! Now here I was holding my 7-month old niece while her parents announced their 4th child was on the way. No, I wasn't jealous, I have never been jealous of others having babies. EVERY child is a gift from the Father. But my pain was raw, it was real, the wound had been ripped wide open again and they had just poured a whole bag of salt into it! I could not get away fast enough!  For the first time I wanted to give up! The following week I packed the nursery up into boxes and wanted to close that chapter of my life! I accepted that Joel and I would have each other and that would be enough!

 That next month, days before Mother's Day, I got a call from the birthmother, she wanted to know if I could keep the baby (now 3 months old) the next day while she worked, I thought about it, knowing it's emotional risk and weighing them out, I told her that I would. That next morning, a Friday, she dropped the baby off. She brought some formula but that was it. I thought well, no big deal, I had a whole nursery set up for this child. So, for the first time in a while I opened that door to the nursery to dig out some items for the baby! I suppose the birthmother really didn't need to bring anything, the only 2 things I didn't have were the baby and food. I had everything else covered. That night, she called to ask if I would keep her overnight, that she would be working again the next morning. I told her yes, Joel and I enjoyed our evening and night loving on the baby. My heart was beginning to feel joy again! Saturday rolled around and I never heard anything from her. Saturday night came and she simply text and ask if I would keep her again. I replied, yes. Now in the back of my mind I am thinking, tomorrow is Mother's Day, has she changed her mind or is this a mind game? I tried to not read too much into it and enjoy what time I had with her. After all, I didn't know God's plans! I took the child and we done all of our scheduled Mother's Day events, and I got to feel like a mother! It was one of the best days of my life!

 That afternoon she came for the baby, she was rather quick and short with me. I had to take a step back, I almost felt as though I had offended her. She made me feel like I had wronged her for keeping her baby for the weekend. I was heartbroken. Years passed before I heard from her again.

  Spring faded away and Summer came, as I helped my mom in her flower shop and enjoyed some much needed time at home in Louisiana. One day as I was headed out to help set up a wedding, an old friend contacted me. She asked, were we still interested in adopting, I assured her that we were!! Anyone who has been in my shoes knows, you do not turn down an adoption possibility! She went on to give me details and to let me know that it was a set of twins. They would be born soon and there were only 2 others families in the mix. I felt good about this. We continued to talk over the next few weeks and I was feeling very positive about this!

 I don't want to go too far backwards, but this is an important note were twins are concerned. In December of 2008 my mother in law, an ordained minister, felt led by God to purchase two baby outfits. One boy, one girl. The girl outfit was newborn and the boy outfit was 6 months. She didn't know why he had told her to do it, even tried to talk her way out of it. That January on my husband’s birthday God told her to give him the outfits. At this point she thinks this a cruel joke! She even apologized to Joel when she handed him the gift. But, she was faithful! Now, remember 2009 was a very bad year for us! This was just a little hope God was giving us to carry with us throughout the year to get us through all of the heartache that lied ahead!

 Back to the story now. The thought of twins seemed fitting, given the prophesy that my mother in law had been given. This gave me more hope than anything!! I was beginning to get excited about the possibility of becoming a mother! Was this really happening?  After a few weeks my friend would call, the grandmother of the unborn twins had talked the birthmother into keeping them.

 Once again, I dropped my head to pray. With tears in my eyes, I called out to God, where are you? Why are you letting this happen?? I knew that ultimately God had a plan, but was all this heartache supposed to be a part of it too? I bounced back a bit quicker after this adoption fell through. I began to search for more adoption with my free time. I found one in Florida and started talks with an agency there. I had been given all the info on the birthmother and was told that she really liked the information that she had been given on us. I was then asked to send $25,000 to cover the up front adoption cost. No guarantees, and no real legit paperwork. I quickly backed myself out of this one knowing it was wrong. I decided then that agencies and internet adoptions were not for me!!

 I knew that I needed a break from the adoption process mentally, physically and emotionally! During my day’s internet searching, I had gone through some old photo albums on my computer. A few months back, Joel and I had been ask to go and view a home for some friends of ours. They had asked us to take pictures and give them our opinion. We loved them home and told them to go for it!! Joel and I had looked for years and had, had no luck finding a forever home that truly suited us. We'd sold our other home shortly after rebooting our marriage in 2006 and had recently bought a modular home and put it on  some my parent’s land. We knew we'd have to have a place to call home while going through the adoption process and the homestudy. That is after all something that all states require when trying to adopt. Besides, who tries to adopt a child without having a home to bring it home to?  When we viewed this home for our friends we knew what a find it was! So, when I decided that an adoption break was dearly needed, I went back to house hunting. I called our friends to make sure that they were really out on the house we had viewed for them. They were. With that Joel and I talked to the owner and agreed to go and view the house again. I think we both knew without a doubt that it was the one for us and we certainly welcomed the change!! We signed paper and begin to move in that July. It was the fresh start that we needed! Within days of moving in Joel received a phone call to go to work and of all places to be moving to, it was back to the house we had just moved out of. Now, that is both good and bad! The good news, it is a job at home!! Bad news, we had just moved out and thought we were going to be starting over fresh! I really can't complain though, we had never been offered a job in our industry at HOME!! I packed the things we would need and carried them back to the house we had just moved from. I got settled in and low and behold, I got another adoption call! This one wasn't your normal call. It was from a mutual friend whom had a family member that was pregnant. The family felt the child would be better placed in an adopted home. Before approaching the birthmother, they wanted our opinion on it. I kept my heart out of it as much as possible. Honestly, I wasn't sure it could take another hit and I also wasn't sure how adopting a child that close would play out.

 I threw myself into fixing up our house up and making it a home. As I worked I received the call that the mother was not on board with the adoption plan. It really didn't come as a surprise to me, but it still managed to reopen that wound. Here I was standing in what was supposed to be our dream house. It had 3 bedrooms with one of the rooms being split to look like two. The perfect room for twins! As I begin to set up house, I realized I had a house that would easily accommodate 4 children and they'd have their own space. From there the questions flooded my soul. Before I became consumed with grief and heartache all over again, I begin to pack some things so I could leave. As I traveled the 35 miles back to our other home I begin to ask, God the questions at the forefront of my heart. With tears flowing so thickly I could barely see, I ask, why had we never been given kids? Did we not deserve them?  I knew we would make good parents. Why had my mother in law given us word about babies? Why would we buy a house of this size for just Joel and I ? and as quickly as I got that question out, I heard the voice of my precious father, "You buy the house and I will fill it." With that I was overcome with a peace, one that only comes from God. So for the next few weeks I continued to set up house, knowing that one day he would fill it. That August Joel received a call to work in Texas, He took the job.

 I think leaving was needed. we had been at home for 8 months and had endured more pain than either of us had hoped to endure in a lifetime. We moved completely out of the home at my parents and moved everything into our forever home. The one that one day, God would fill will children! We decided to purchase an RV instead of renting houses or living in motels one from job to the next. We loaded it up and we were Texas bound! We left our heartache and struggle behind us! That next month (September), I got an unexpected call from the fertility clinic that I had been using. The lady on the other end introduced herself and explained that I had once expressed an interest in IVF (in vitro fertilization), she went on to explain that they had, had a cancelation and she wondered if I would be interested in coming in and taking that spot. I told her I had to check with my husband and I'd get back with her. Now, I am thinking, I JUST closed that door, or so I thought. I prayed and called in my other prayer warriors. I talked to Joel and we decided that they call came for a reason!

 The next day I accepted, what I later come to realize was a coveted spot, as they don't take IVF patience daily like that. We began a new journey. Our first visit was great and was shortly followed by a HUGE box full of medication. To say I was overwhelmed at the medication required was an understatement to say the least!! I knew that it was worth it though! For the coming weeks we would prep my body and then in October/November if my body was ready we would go in for the procedure!

 Little did I know that I would also get ANOTHER adoption call! This time it was from a friend, she and her husband had been presented with an adoption and they felt it was better suited for my husband and I. I told her I'd love to talk to the birthmother, but she needed to know my current situation. She agreed to pass on the information and shortly after, my phone rang. On the other end was a scared yet strong young lady on the other end. We talk about our situation and both agreed that everything was workable. That Fall we went through  IVF procedure, 2 days later, we had our birthmother flying to Louisiana to meet us. It all happened so quickly, yet so perfectly! We fell in love with this beautiful soul and the son that she was carrying. She was able to see our home and meet our families. I think we both had good vibes! A couple of days later she flew back to Kentucky and I traveled back to Texas with, Joel. We then awaited that L-O-N-G 2 weeks before our pregnancy test.

 Then the day came, WE WERE PREGNANT!!!!  We laughed, we cried, we praised, we done it all!! And, our birthmother was just as excited for us!!!  We couldn't have been more excited about our upcoming arrivals! A couple weeks later I would go for my first sonogram. I was so excited to see our sweet baby, and ultimately find out if there was one or two. Would we be welcoming 2 or 3 babies?? The initial result was unclear. There was 1 baby without a doubt and the possibility of two! We would have to wait on or next sonogram to be sure. As it turned out there was only 1 baby who had successfully transfer.

 With the holidays drawing near I couldn't think of a better time to celebrate!! Life was perfect, I had never been happier in my life! I had no idea that heartbreak was around the bend. Just before Christmas my birthmother had a change of heart. She was having a hard time getting her family on board with the adoption and they had all but shut her out because of it. It was Christmas and she was pregnant and alone. She had an amazing boyfriend, who would later become her husband. For now, she had no one to help her pick up her pieces and get through the life she was having to live daily. She called off the adoption to please her family. In time she and her boyfriend gave the baby boy a name and begin to make plans for their family.

 I was heartbroken, again, but at the same time, I was pregnant. I knew that for the sake of the child I was carrying that I would have to hand it ALL to God and move forward. I knew in the back of my mind, and in my heart what the wishes of the birthmother were. I continued to pray for her, knowing that her situation wasn't one that she had chosen, but one she was forced in to. I felt helpless. There was absolutely nothing I could do but pray!

On January 26th of the next year we would learn that we were having a baby girl! Everything was going great and she looked perfect. Later that week I began to think of the baby boy that we thought would be ours. God had really laid him on my heart. I was overwhelmed and consumed by the need to pray for the birthmother and her unborn child, it had been quite a while since I had spoken to her and I could only hope that everything was ok. Then on February 2rd my phone rang, it was the birthmother. She had gone through some things and she needed to know if we would still consider the adoption and if so could she come to Louisiana until she had the baby. I told her I had to talk to Joel and we'd need to pray. When we got off the phone I went to Joel, we agreed to pray about it. He was hesitant because he didn't know how much more I could handle and now we had another child to consider. I made all the calls to our prayer warriors and family to start a prayer chain. Both, Joel and myself prayed ourselves to sleep that night. I wanted to yell, YES!!! But, I knew that Joel's concerns were legitimate. The next morning, when he woke, I told him that I needed an answer. He looked at me and said, we cannot leave that baby in that situation, tell her we will come to Kentucky tomorrow to pick her up. I spent the day preparing our home for both the birthmother and our son.

 February 4th we made the drive to Kentucky and back. Within hours of being home our birthmother went into labor. And of all the times for Louisiana to have an ice/snow storm, yep, you guessed it, it was February 5th!! Luckily for me, I had spent the last several years up north so driving in it was no issue for me, but it would be for others. I ended up outrunning my cop escort to the hospital and it's a good thing that I did. I barely had time to park and get to labor and delivery room before I became a mom!! Yes, a mom! I was a MOTHER!!!  But wait, I was the only person there! It had all happened so quickly and then there was the ice! I had to start making calls! I met my son, and stayed with his birthmother for a while. When it was time to take the baby to the nursery and time for them to help the birthmother get cleaned up , I stepped out to make my calls. I apparently looked frantic to degree, not to mention exhausted from the lack of sleep from the night before. I entered the hallway only to see my OBGYN standing there, he immediately started questioning me and my wellbeing. I try to explain that my child was just born and that really threw him for a loop, Once I slowed down I was able to explain, not the child he was caring for, but my other child, my son!! He said his congratulations and then wished me well! As I rounded the corner a nurse seeing me pregnant stopped me to make sure I was ok. By this time, I am wondering what do I look like?? I was on cloud 9, I know my smile was there, along with some tee tee, compliments of my son! I wore that tee tee proudly!! I finally made my calls and my family was headed to the hospital.

 Everything was finally working out in our favor! Then the hospital staff came in, they needed the adoption paperwork. I thought, oh no! We never completed all of the paperwork, there was no need, the adoption had been called off. My heart hit the floor. With no paperwork the hospital had to give my son to his birth mom and I would only be able to see him, in her room with her present. My mind raced, how was she going to handle that, would it be too much? Would she bond with the child and change her mind before we could do the paperwork? Oh no, it is Saturday! There are not attorneys or judges available on Saturdays! She is set to go home Monday morning and I'll still have NO paperwork.
 That my friends is when my God decided to step in! I called my attorney on her cell. I explained the situation. By Saturday evening we had all the attorneys and even the judge at the hospital to fill out all of the needed paperwork. That night, Joel and I spent the night as a family,bonding with our son, Wyatt!

  That July we would welcomed a beautiful baby girl to our family! Gracelyn came in and made the perfect addition to our family! We were complete! Or so we thought....

Today, I am here as an adoption hopeful person!! I hope with the help of God, to put together as many adoption as possible! And who knows, maybe one day he'll even have another one in the mix for my family!

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